Beth's Page

Growing up, I never gave my gender or sexuality any thought. I have a cousin who is gay, but she is 15 years my senior and for some reason her life never sparked questions about my own. Then, in high school, a good friend of mine confided in me that he was gay. All of a sudden I began to wonder.

The thing is, none of the girls I knew were at all appealing to me. Although, most of the boys I knew weren't either. Not having come to any answers (and not knowing how to get them) I went on on having boyfriends. A lot of them. I even joined my high school's newly developed gay-straight alliance... as a straight ally.

In college, I attended a few meetings of the Rainbow Pride Coalition, but I still hadn't figured anything out. Calling myself bisexual seemed the best label, but the other members weren't at all happy with that. I stopped going after 3 meetings. In an effort to educate myself w/o having to out myself (as something I may or may not have been) I began taking classes in LGBTQ Studies.

Finally, in my senior year I met a girl named Anne who changed my life. I barely knew her, but from across the table, listening to her discuss poetry in her sexy German accent, I fell into lust. She was the perfect mix of male and female traits. Aesthetically, she was perfect for me. Unfortunately, she had a girlfriend. At that moment I decided that I had to be true to myself, whatever that may be. 2 weeks later I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years.

Since then I've come a long way. I moved to a more populous area where I felt there had to be more people like me. I found people like me who were listening to themselves and as a result were living full, happy and brave lives. I found acceptance within an amazingly supportive and loving community. I began performing as a drag king. I outed myself to my family who were all incredibly suppotive. Best of all, I fell in love with the perfect woman (not Anne) and married her.

Even now, though, I have trouble calling myself a lesbian. Yes, I am in love with my wife and I can't imagine living w/o her. That being said, I have trouble labeling myself w/ a definition that is based upon the idea of their only being male/man and female/woman. If I hadn't met my wife, I could've fallen for an androgynous man, a transperson, etc. How can I ignore that by calling myself a lesbian? I am gay. I am queer. I am a lover.

The funny thing is, in recent years I have found out that a lot of my high school classmates now identify as LGBTQ. If only we'd all been brave enough to talk about it back in high school.