I need some insight into this from a non-harsh perspective.
I have a few questions and instead of rambling on about details, I will just write them out:
I have always felt "two-spirited" since I was 4-5 and simply figured I was bisexual or gay. I was raised in a fundamentalist christina home and still believe in the core ideas about faith. I became "saved" around 15-16 and went on to start a bible study, but didn't date due to my sexuality. I went on to Bible College and tried dating, but it actually felt more "homosexual" to me and so I broke things off with my hockey-player bf at the time and decided to leave that arena. Helped out with Bible Studies and Youth Groups, but was struggling internally. This is where I am wondering if I'm not trans......
Around 19 I started shaving my face (and, no, I am - apparently - not mentally ill). When I think of it, I actually practiced shaving my face when I was around 7-8 or so (as if I was trying to be like my dad or something). Anyway, I started for real doing after I left school and was working. I have very subtle hair on my face (like peach fuzz) and it's just something I do now. You can't tell when looking at me that I do this. Anyway, I didn't do anything about my sexuality until my mid-twenties. The last girl I dated was a drag king but was pretty fem/normal outside of drag. It worked, but we were both kind of fem looking/butch hearted and so it failed. It was an odd choice for me to making in terms of dating and it screwed with my head I think in some ways. I ended up being the bottom 98/100 times (not literally that number, but you get my point). It feels as though I gave something of myself up by doing that.
Since then I have been really depressed and cant function sexually. I feel caught. I have returned to my faith, but I am really serious when I say I think I related to the trans people that my ex knew. Internally, I am like a gentle male and I am not comfortable w being lesbian/gay. It feels like I am just being straight when I am with a female. I don't like that my body is female - even the way I dress is more andro.
I lost my job and have moved home with my family. They are NOT supportive of my sexuality and I KNOW I am depressed, but even to think of depression as physical is out of the question. My intuition is telling me that at the core of it all, I am trapped inside of a role and a body that doesn't fit my spirit. Try explaining that to a congregation/family!
Here's my question: How can I find out more about ftm in a safe way? I live in minneapolis, but I look like I should be happy being a female lesbian. I am not. I have few/no safe people around me. Even the few gays I know would look at me and scratch their heads if I shared this with them. Any insights? Online test or? I am trying to research this more.
Thank you for your reply, for reading this and for being a presence online!
Peace.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jamie on -
Wow! It sounds like you have been through a lot already. Trying to come out/ figure out who you are in a conservative environment is no easy task. I wanted to address a couple points in your question:
I have know many trans people who were absolutely sure that they were “in the wrong body”, “had the wrong parts” or “just knew they were different” from a very early age, many as young as 4 or 5. Most people don't have the language to describe transgender at that age, but that doesn't mean you cant feel it. I also think that the transition you described is typical for many people. Trying to make things work in a heterosexual relationship, coming out as a lesbian, being a very butch lesbian and then feeling more “male” than “lesbian”. I think if you are able to find a support group you will find people with similar stories.
I see you have mentioned that a previous relationship didn't work out because you were dating someone who was equally as fem and butch as you are. I would encourage you to explore butch/fem and gender roles in sex as you continue to grow and develop the person you are. I think you will probably find that gender expression does not have to dictate roles in a relationship the way most of us are taught that they do. Two butch girls can be very happy together, as can two fem girls, trans guys can date each other, or a million other combinations. So.. just saying, if you like butch girls don't write them off just because your butch and butch folks are “supposed to” date fem girls.
Depression can be very dangerous. Obviously feeling so depressed that you become suicidal is very dangerous, but being depressed makes us not take care of ourselves. We don't always eat right, we let medical problems go unchecked and get worse, and a lot of people take risks they wouldn't normally take because they are so depressed. Not to mention that being depressed sucks! Friends, social groups and professional counselors are all part of getting past sever depression.
You have an amazing resource near by. http://www.mntranshealth.org/ The Minnesota Transgender Health Coalition can get you in touch with all sorts of resource groups, meetings and medical information.
This website also looks like a good list of resources, but I dont recognize a whole lot of the names and groups on that list but im not from that part of the country either... check it out. http://www.debradavis.org/gecpage/gecorgs.html
If things get bad, or if you just need someone to talk to the folks over at Trevor Project are amazing, and thats what they are there for.
http://thetrevorproject.org/helpline.aspx or you can talk to them at 1-866-488-7386
I hope some of this has been helpful.
-Jamie
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Permalink Reply by Rhiannon on -
Wow Jamie, you always have such great things to say! I guess all I really have to add here is that I'm sorry you feel so alone. This community is a great place to start in getting the support you need. Also, as someone who has turned to her own "faith" many times to get through her own darkness, I'd like to suggest listening to what's in your heart, rather than what others may tell you. Personally, I feel that religion can be a great coping "habit", but most religions don't know anything about these issues and they often have a tendency to hurt rather than to heal. Reach out to people that understand you, rather than judge- that's the last thing you need right now :) Good luck in everything, and I hope you find nothing but happiness from today forward.
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