A curse to blessing

For many years, I wondered how do they do it? How do they transform their thinking on being transgendered from a curse to a blessing? For decades for I punished myself for even thinking about being transgendered. Then I had a ‘duh” moment that changed things.

Now you probably looking at that picture of me, and thinking no way is that dude transgendered. Most transgendered people look at me like that, too. They see a fat male body, hear a male voice cadence, and see male movements. However, due to the fact that my skull is in the way, they cannot see into my mind.

For many years, I use to torture myself be saying the only reason I wanted to be transgendered was to arouse men. For delicate interior that a person like me had, who was trained and wanted kind, supportive, romantic sexual relationships, this was akin to making a pact with the devil. Sex was seen only for its destructive power.
Then about 15 years ago, I had my official mid-life crisis when I was demoted from a managerial position at work. I did not sleep for a three months, and surprise, surprise, got very sick. I felt death’s edge, and I knew I had to change. Among those changes was how I looked at the interior of myself.

I started looking at the generic women around me. They did not seem to be particularly sad they were women. Duh, Duh! Maybe being feminine was so bad after all. I saw how much they enjoyed the emotional world around them. How they liked to talk with gentleness. How graceful was their moves. How deep were their friendships. How passion many times led them to almost superhuman feats. I realized since kindergarten which was my first real chance to be around girls, that was the way I wanted to be.

I took a look at my body and mannerisms and knew there was no way I could pass, to provide the grace that a real women at her highest can do. But I could enjoy the ride and put parts of them into my real life.